Peas

Headache
Knots in the stomach, not altogether unpleasant
Just inconvenient
Extended groan.
Walk into a corner and tell yourself NO!
Don't do it.
Then walk out of the corner
And go and do it anyway
Can't control it.
Huge green peas!
Shiny too!
Get out of my head.

-

All right, so here's how it goes:

You're just sort of sitting there, and then you see this person, and then you're like...

Jesus.

And then suddenly green is your favorite color, all you want is some coffee, a good time, music, go to a breezy place and hang off a cliff.
See this person and suddenly your mind commits suicide and your stomach decides to eat itself.
See this person and suddenly it's never the same.
Look at old pictures of yourself and wonder, "Where did that girl go?"

Can't decide to follow person the person around, or just to fade into the background and TRY TRY TRY to forget. Can't do that, you tell yourself very sternly. You are going to make yourself be good.
But then you can't do it and it all comes crashing around your ankles!
Next time you are going to say something clever and memorable, right? No. Don't try. It's just like Jesse says. Don't kill it if you haven't killed it already. Don't try.

And then all you can think is fuck I screwed us all over.

Cluster of Nights

My dreams grow twisted. I haven't had a dream like this one in years.

If it were about anything or anyone else, I would probably be explaining what happened in my dream. But, because it is... the way it is... I will refrain from doing anything of the sort. Just know that it was very strange. The kind of dream that haunts you, sticks with you for the rest of the day and you simply can't shake the images from yours mind.

Parts of it were terrifying, parts of it were nauseating, parts of it were actually enjoyable. Dreams are like that. My dreams usually come in a cluster of nights all in a row, and I've been having strange dreams these days. Some are related and some are not.

"It's just a dream." ... This phrase confuses me. Yes, it was a dream, but why doesn't that mean it didn't actually happen? Who says it couldn't? Why is that things confined to my mind are "not real"? I think the things in the minds of humans are very real. We see them, smell them, feel them. How are they not real? Is anything ever really "fake"...?

Roll Smoothly

I got my schedule...

Creative Writing
This will be fun - Holly did it and she said it was relatively enjoyable. And besides, I like writing. Obviously.

Honors English
Hopefully this will not drag along like my English class last year did. Of course, that was only because my teacher last year was an old butterball with nothing to offer except scathing sarcasm and pessimism.

Honors Ancient History
Everyone says it sucks after a while. I will learn to love it. History is good.

French
Freshmen must take French I unless they take a test to be placed in French II. I'm going to do that - there is no way I'm going to take French I again.

Art I
HELL. YES. It's art and that's all that matters.

Theater I
Well, I've got good stage presence. And even if I suck, I can still design the set and things like that.

Algebra
I decided to retake Algebra I. I'm feeling confident, because I did it all last year, and I didn't want to push myself beyond my limit with math. I suck at math.

Honors Biology
I like science. It'll roll smoothly enough. It always has. I got a 92 on my science final last year.

Bask

Here's another letter that I will never send.

Dear J.K. Rowling,
You get a lot of fanmail, I take it. A lot of fan mail which you will never read because there's probably enough of it to bury you alive. You probably have a vault all for the fanmail you get, an enormous vault into which your workers and interns push wheelbarrows of adoration.

I am just another typical teenage girl wanting to know how the hell you did it. I am a normal fan who enjoyed your books very, very much. I would like to think that I am not, but I am. There is no way to deny it.
And I have a few things to say.

First, I think your name rocks. "J.K." Is that... seriously your name? Do people walk around calling you "J.K.", whenever you're not being "Ms. Rowling" or, better and more likely, "Ms. Rowling the Great and Talented"? I've always wanted a cool name. My name isn't anything good, really, only strange.

Second, what do you think of all this? What do you think of being the great mistress of your own alternate universe, your own fan-created cult, a movie series based upon your work of imagination? How do you handle it? More importantly, how do you get around town without being mauled by rabid onlookers? Do you wear a wig when you go grocery shopping or something like that?

And third, I really hope you keep writing and doing what you want. Really and truly. For you, it should be about you writing and creating things. I really hope you don't get hung up on all these fans expecting great things from you. Ignore us. Honestly, just write for yourself. Do not feel pressured. If you have another idea for a book, let it out and don't be afraid of disturbing the image of being "The Harry Potter Lady". Of course HP must be a very important part of your life, but I know, somehow, that is not what defines you as a person. You are a fantastic writer. And, now that you have all the world under your spell, you can do anything. Your opportunities are endless. Your are not Harry Potter and you are not your fans. You are you, and you can do what you choose to do. I hope you keep writing for the sake of writing, and not writing to please the world around you. That's what it's all about!

I'm behind you all the way. I think you are incredible, and so do thousands of others. Bask in your glory. It is well-deserved.

Best regards.

Insanity Mellon

Today at around 4 pm I'm going to this new high school of mine and getting my schedule and my picture taken. "Summer Insanity" is what it's called. When the entire population of the school is there to sort out the first semester. Apparently, according to my friend Holly, it gets very hot and sweaty, and therefore I should get my picture taken first to I don't look like a greased pig in my student ID. This will be difficult to achieve, because I look like a greased pig most of the time anyway. I will try my hardest to look normal. You know. Washed. Shaved. Hair effectively fried by my new wet-dry flat iron. I will be just another nameless face of a normal high school girl and I'll out at sea for the next few years. It will be fun. I am feeling optimistic.

Maybe if I take chemistry some time I'll meet...
No, stop me there.

Physics? Not likely, although I wish it were. I am fascinated by physics despite my inability to actually do it. My uncle is a physicist. He wrote two books about Optimization - I have the signed copies in my room. Sometimes I read them to try my best to understand. The basics are rather self-explanatory but I'm afraid that I don't understand the fundamentals, or dual roof whatnot... He is a professor at Carnegie Mellon. He travels the world and sends my brother and I post cards from places like Turkey and Pakistan. He is currently living in London. I would like to visit him there.

Anyway. My biggest concern is being able to take art courses. I must have a recommendation written by my former art teacher. I love my former art teacher. She's all heart. I'm going to go back and visit her all the time.