Caffeine Jitters: Letter: October 4

Friday, October 5, 2007

Letter: October 4

Dear Mr. Ineffable Baritone,

I figured I could consult you on this. I have a huge problem. It can be described simply through this:

What should I do?

I miss my past. I'm writhing for it with every part of me. I'm in danger of getting sickly nostalgic every hour or so. It's gotten so bad that I can't breathe when I think that all of it is over. That it will never happen again. My heart refuses to let it slip into simple memories... no, I am living in the past. My mind is there and I can't drag it out. This would not be so petrifying if I actually wanted to embrace my future, but I don't want to do that either. In fact, I'm petrified. I hate what's looming ahead of me. I wish I could stab it with a knife and dispose of all deathly possibility. I didn't want things to happen this way.

In the process of struggling between my past and future, I have completely lost contact with my present. I'm lost. Snared. I'm breaking, Mr. IB. I can feel the brittle parts of my heart slowly, slowly fracturing.

We both need help now.

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The Commune [Part One]

My new imaginary commune will be for underestimated people, who are brilliant but haven't been given a chance. It will be assembled in a deserted classroom where we will all sit on top of the desks and share stories about our lives.
Hal, Matthew, David, Sam and Tony will come, and then Ethan will show up with Kyra, and even ingenius Dorian who has in fact been given a chance but with the wrong things. Even Sara will come, but it will be nice Sara, not mean bitchy Sara, the good one who likes broadway and funny movies. Emma will be invited there too. She will bring her kitten, Nina, and I will bring Molly Cyd, and together the two will frolic around on the tiled floor.
When night falls we'll all curl up on futons and bean bags because the floor would be too hard, and watch old movies, then stay up late discussing the aspects of the films together. Then we will each give goodnight comments and drift into peaceful slumber filled with lovely dreams.
At sunrise we'd all wake each other gently, and then order coffee and breakfast biscuits from Mimi's.We'd gather round discussing intelligently, and listen to music.
Matthew and I would have comic-drawing contests on the white board and then argue about artistic qualities, but it would all be okay because Ethan would get our minds off it for us. And Dorian and I will have fun with Emma and Kyra, and Dorian won't be know-it-all-inflated-ego girl, she'll just be quietly smart in a respectable way.
And we'd trash up our old uniforms with white-out and Expo marker and dance to spooky French techno and Matthew and Sam would improvise on the piano.

The Commune [Part Two]

The commune is moving to Sicily.
It'll be easy because we'll all learn to speak in easy sleazy Italian so we'll fit right in.
The same people will be there. Communes are not for families so my parents stay behind, but Andrew is an exception so he can stop by if he wants something.
Molly Cyd will have her own room to herself filled with kitty wonders and joys. I will feed her freshly caught fish and sing to her in Italian.
We will all go walking in the towns and have pure and genuine fun. When we get tired we'll take a pit stop at a cafe and pump back up on lattes.
There will be no school and nothing to worry about.
To sustain ourselves, we'll start a gelato business on the corner of a street and sell our wacky flavors to confused tourists. The girls of the commune will flirt with the good-looking carabinieri but we'll carry cans of mace with us in case anybody decides to get frisky.
It will be a lovely simple life and nobody will screw it up for us.

The Commune [Part Three]

My commune is now making its official transfer to London. No parents and no old-friend kids who will bring back old annoyances, with only a few exceptions. This commune will congregate in a stylish flat, but most of it will take part all over the city. We'll all meet each other and become great new buddies and have no regrets and learn new things every day. We'll have thrilling experiences, ride on scooters and know how to use them and not crash, avoid London traffic in stealthy ways - because we're just that cool.
Tea and coffee and completely necessary for a commune like this so even if we go broke, we'll at least have spent it all for a good reason.
We'll hear great urban music concerts and rock out all evening, then stop for some munchies, then walk around the lighted, rainy nights and talk about rediculous things that matter. We'll all be delirious and hyper and fun, dance around in puddle and make people look at us funny, laugh hysterically at really random and weird things, watch terrible British TV, all that jazz.
And there WILL be jazz. Even though the Brits aren't very famous for their jazz, I'll bring some of my American jazziness over, and we'll all party hard to things like the Tokyo Ska Paradise Orchestra, gypsy punk rock, and Anna Tsychiya.
The best part will be a room just for painting, where we will be able to express ourselves by slinging buckets and tubes of paint all around and go crazy, and act like Jackson Pollock, only 500 times better. We will make masterpieces.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Letter: October 4

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The Commune [Part One]

The Commune [Part Two]

The Commune [Part Three]

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